Parental Patience!

( 7 Rules for parents with kids who break the rules)

You may not always have your kids in your home, but your home will always be in your kids.

Let’s face it. Kids can (and will) get on your nerves. It’s part of the gift of raising children. Sure, the constant bursts of energy and the incessant shouting matches between siblings seem more like curses than blessings. Perhaps the occasional mis-handled chore that did not meet expectations will cause any decent parent to think, “is this really my offspring?” 

 The tension, stress, even anxiety that is felt at times, stretches us as parents to learn and grow. We mature so we can effectively raise more mature mini humans.  But the real culprit behind what may be causing that sudden break out of emotional hives lies in the mirror.
Yep… We feel chaotic and helpless at times because our children are simply showing us what we always show them.  
 

You may not always have your kids in your home,
but your home will always be in your kids. 
The environment you create in your home will either support or stifle your child’s growth. As parents, we either fight to see them flourish, or watch them wither.
And what is provided to them now,
will be what is produced by them later.

They can only implement the tools you have given them.
They will model the actions (or reactions) you’ve shown.
They will praise (or criticize), encourage (or discourage), and love
(or be apathetic) in the same ways you do. 

Do you express joy or anger?

Peace or frustration?

Kindness or condescension?

Are you content or discontent? Forgiving or resentful? Self-less or selfish?

Good news is that your present chaos can be brought into pleasant order, and it starts with you! 

No matter the relationship, finding order with others when things are chaotic begins with love. I know, it sounds cliché, but “love” often reveals itself in different ways; this one just happens to be very practical.  

VALUE THE RELATIONSHIP OVER THE RULES.   

Moses struggled for years as he tried to enforce the laws and rules for the Israelites to obey. But in Deuteronomy 6:5, we see a shift in mindset. He emphasized the relationship. He started fighting for something more important than behaviors and rule following. He was fighting for the hearts of those who looked to him as a leader. 

When it comes to creating order (and sweet, sweet peace) in our home, we can start by revamping our communication in a way that values the relationship over the rules.  

Let me be clear, setting expectations, rules, and consequences is appropriate. The challenge is in changing how those things are communicated in your home.  

TRUTH: 
Rules are a way for us to communicate what we want FOR them. But what we often communicate is what we want FROM them. 

We say:  
+You need to clean your room. 
+Go brush your teeth.  
+Get in bed.  
+Be home by 10.  

However, the message we are really trying to communicate is what we want FOR them: 
+Keeping your things tidy and organized will help you in life 
+Learning to take care of yourself will help your self-esteem and ability to help others 
 +Rest is good for your health, and will help you have a better day tomorrow 
+I’m holding you accountable so we can build trust and respect with each other. 

Punishment may be necessary in our child’s formative years, but so too is patience. The bible highlights both of these in this way:

Discipline your children, and they will give you peace of mind
    and will make your heart glad. Proverbs 29:17

Fathers, do not be so hard on your children that they will give up trying to do what is right. Colossians 3:21
 
As a parent, stopping to ask ourselves what is the ultimate outcome we want FOR our child will help us communicate a strong, but loving, message.

What character traits are we hoping to shape.
What skillset are we looking to develop.

We should not simply look for obedience to the “what” that we are asking our child to do, but the “why” behind it. Focus on the outcome you want for them, not the action you want from them.  
 

So, the practical step:  
Any rules or expectations you have should be communicated in a calm moment. Along with why this rule or expectation exists, and what the consequences will be if not honored. 

Focus on the outcome you want for them, not the action you want from them. 

We don’t think clearly in the heat of a moment. You know which one I’m talking about; that moment when rules have been intentionally bent or broken, defiance abounds, and the testing of wills (kid vs parent) is in full force. This is not the best time to address most* issues while trying to convey that you value your child and the relationship.
(*Note that I said MOST.* Some consequences require swift action to be taken, and possibly more so as your child ages.)

Whenever possible, give some time and space to allow the anger and frustration of the moment to simmer. After having time to collect your thoughts, approach them with firm compassion and humility.  

Micah 6:8 is God’s recipe for diffusing heated situations.   
Do what is right– The rules are there for a reason; be firm in your reasons, and hold them accountable. 

Love mercy– Extend grace and understanding by inviting them to share their perspective. You may be assuming something before knowing the full story. You may learn something new about your child (like the way they think or view something) that you can then cultivate into something positive.  

Walk Humbly– Be willing to admit when you are wrong. Be quick to apologize for your misunderstanding, angry tone, or aggressive actions in handling the situation. Be transparent with your child about consequences you have endured from similar mistakes you made and your desire to protect them. 

Reiterate the “why” behind the “what.” 
(We have this rule because ______.)
(Doing “ABC” will help you to be more “XYZ”.)
Create relationship moments by asking questions and inviting them to speak, without interruptions or judgement. Listen to their thoughts. Hear their frustrations. Validate their feelings when necessary, redirect the conversation if needed, and clear up any confusion by thoroughly addressing the issue. By intentionally creating these moments, especially for correction, you allow your child to take ownership of their decisions, build stronger confidence, resolve, and decision making skills, while also teaching and guiding them for their future benefit. This is where real parenting takes place.
Then you can provide punishment with love and show that you value the relationship over the rules.  

A Loving Parent’s 7 Rules of Engagement:
+Parent from prudence. Clearly set rules, boundaries, and expectations in a calm environment.
+Respond with reasons. Know why you have a certain rule in place. That way you can remind your child the expectation you have for them when that rule is broken.
+Practice patience. When angry or frustrated, allow your emotions to calm and give yourself time to be open to a different perspective.
+Cultivate their character. Invite your child to learn accountability and take ownership of their mistake by giving them time and space to share thoughts and grievances openly.
+Listen with love. Curiously ask questions to help them open up and reveal their true intentions or lack of foresight behind their decision.
+Grant more grace. Diffuse the situation and address the issue by humbly apologizing for your mistakes, and seek understanding so they know that ultimately you want what is best for them.
+Be reasonable but resolute. Be firm with the pre-determined consequences and follow through.