Make the first step to reconciliation
Too often I see well-meaning men who have been duped into thinking that the “head of household” label unilaterally means that what they say goes. More often than that, I see boys – who can be called men by age and biology only – abuse this “my way or the highway” mindset through intimidation, and a domineering and overbearing attitude toward those unfortunate enough to be under their care. The result is a family who is being pulled along a very one-sided, self-serving path instead of being lovingly led by sacrifice and service.
Thankfully, there are men who recognize that this privilege of leadership is earned and not taken for granted. These are men we can all learn from. A man who understands that real love requires patience, forgiveness, and understanding. It requires daily sacrifices, albeit small at times, and it requires daily service to ensure the needs of those dependent upon him are met. It necessitates consideration of others before himself. He strives to care for the four pillars (emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical) of each family member. This is everyday chivalry.
[Read more about these four pillars in my post:
“5 Daily Defenses to Guard Your Marriage”]
To begin leading from sacrifice and service recognize that you are responsible. The privilege and the burden are yours to bear. This means that the first action you must take is to humble yourself and serve your family through grace and forgiveness. You must be the first one to make the step toward reconciliation when one of those four pillars begin to falter and reinforce it with caring support.
I’ve heard it said, “Show me a man who is right, and I’ll show you a man who is lonely.” Whenever there is a petty argument, it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. All that matters is that feelings have been hurt, self-worth has been shattered, demeaning words and aggressive tones have been used. There will be a better time to talk facts, practicalities, and logistics, but now is not that time. The Everyday Chivalry man knows that now is the time to approach and apologize first; for whatever part he played in doing wrong in the moment. This is the time to be specific: “I’m sorry I spoke to you with that tone,” or “I realize I hurt you by not telling you sooner, I apologize.” Whatever the offense may be, call it out, own it, and humble yourself before your wife. Don’t give a reason or your spiel of good intention until after she asks you, “What were you thinking?” The reason or excuse doesn’t matter until she is open to hear it and her defenses have been lowered.
It’s somewhat of a running joke now that when my wife happens to have a bad dream that involves me (usually after eating cereal or pizza shortly before bed – dairy is the devil), I apologize for whatever offense “Dream Lance” committed. The first time I apologized for “my” actions in her dream, I was sincere because she woke up with feelings of insecurity and I wanted to reassure her. I pointed out how I was such an inconsiderate and selfish jerk in her dream and the most remarkable thing happened; she beamed at me with such an innocent smile and rushed in to hug me tight.
It was a look that said, “I know it’s ridiculous for me to be upset with you for something I dreamed about but thank you for listening and validating my feelings.” It was a look I’ll never forget.
No matter how ridiculous the offense may be, the feelings are real. And we are concerned about securing the four pillars of any person we are in relationship with, especially our spouse. Her emotional well-being is much more important than the point I’m trying to make. The same is true for our children – though they need a level of guidance and authority – the relationship is more valuable than the rules.
(Read practical ways to model this for your kids here)
I am the “head of my household” because I accept responsibility for the well-being of my household. In all areas. Placing reconciliation as my first code of conduct keeps me ever ready to alleviate unnecessary strain. It keeps me observant of body language cues and listening deeper to what’s being said than to what I’m hearing. It keeps me grounded in a place of humility that helps me better serve my family. It keeps a hedge against pride because it keeps me focused on the relationship and not on whether or not I’m right. It keeps me committed to forgiving others, because I cannot apologize first if I am harboring resentment.
I’m certain that I will make mistakes. I’m also certain that I will learn, grow, and be quick to reconcile them. I will always strive to model Christ’s love for my family. He made the sacrifice to restore our heart, mind, soul, and strength. He humbly serves us, meeting our needs as His bride, by loving us where we are. Jesus took the first step toward reconciliation, will you?
Everyday Chivalry 